Dear Negative Utopians,
Ill will has fallen upon me, as I've crash landed on...well, my captors call it, "Fuck Clinton And The Liberal Agenda As A Whole" island. I suspect it's somewhere around Bermuda. It has taken me much mental preperation to write you, as I assume you've already replaced me. I just pray it hasn't been with some fucking Greatful Dead fan or something. But let us put our falling out behind us. I have urgent news that I need you to share with the world.
Earth may possibly be attacked by Mars. That's right, the "red menace." Why else do you think we're committing so much money to the exploration of this dastardly planet? If we find water, we find life. If we find life, they will surely invade. I'm confident you're aware of one WB character named, "Marvin the Martian." Luckily, he was captured as put to death by the Nixon administration. Of course, that was in 1992 and Nixon was long out of office, but still, one less threat in the world!
From what my captors have told me, Saddam Hussein, Usama bin Laden, Kim Jong Il, Martha Stewart, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jackson Nose #5, Pat Robertson, and the creators of the show Freinds, have all provided weapons to Mars. Their intelligence files included like, forty issues of Weekly World News, so apparently the mainstream media has picked up on this as well.
As I write this, I'm on a piece of driftwood, headed in the direction of Kenya (I'm not sure why, since I believe I'm most likely thousands of miles away) to start a new life. I have trained a super-pigeon to bring this letter to you. I hope it finds you well. How did I escape you ask? It is too horrific to relive, even in words, but I'll tell you it involves dental floss.
Good luck, gentlemen! I will make a website documenting my findings and expose them to the masses when I reach Kenya.
-Adam
PS: Bassam, you're right. I switched to a prescription cream, and it doesn't burn anymore. How are you doing with it?
